Scrum Lords v. Script Kiddies

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Ayo, I bring the vision, align the mission,
You bring hallucinations and model attrition.
I’m the Product Messiah, wranglin’ scope creep,
While your sassy little script just talks in its sleep.

Standups? I run ‘em. Backlog? I groom.
You prompt like a poet in a padded room.
Feature complete? Bro, that’s cute.
You just copy-paste logic in a tracksuit.

You call it “engineering,” I call it roulette,
One wrong prompt and prod’s a war vet.
Your pipeline’s a joke, your tests are a prayer,
And your definition of done is just thin air.

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It’s PMs with the plan, engineers with the flame,
One tracks velocity, one codes the game.
But when push comes to prod and sh*t goes insane,
It’s finger-pointin' time — who’s takin’ the blame?

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Yo, step back, Scrumlord, this ain’t your lane,
You track tasks in JIRA like a digital chain.
I move fast, ship things, break the mold,
You make a f**kin’ roadmap for bugs two sprints old.

You talk “stakeholder sync” — I talk real-time deploys,
You got slide decks, I got *actual* noise.
You hold retros to feel like you matter,
While I’m out here fightin’ latency scatter.

You define “MVP” as a half-baked slide,
I define it as “Done” and already live.
You say “Let’s align,” I say “F**k your vibe,”
I’m refactorin’ dreams while you organize tribes.

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Oh, you shipped fast? Great. Who approved that mess?
Now support’s on fire and Sales is stressed.
Your code’s unstable, your tests are fake,
But congrats on deployin’ another snowflake.

You talk like you *build*, but you just stitch,
Glue code wizard with a latency glitch.
And when sh*t breaks down, who jumps in the heat?
Not your ass — it’s me explainin’ your tweet.

You code with vibes, I manage risk,
While you “fine-tune models,” I dodge politics.
You hate meetings? Cool. Must be nice.
But without me, this sh*t ships twice — then dies.

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It’s PMs with the plan, engineers with the code,
One drives the sprint, one hacks the node.
But when sh*t hits prod and the servers explode,
We all point up — “Who signed off this load?”

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Truth is: y’all both need therapy and coffee,
PMs type soft, devs type cocky.
One’s in Figma, one’s in Git,
But both play ping-pong and barely commit.

PMs preach process, devs preach speed,
But both ignore users beggin’ “Please just make it read.”
So shut up, sync up, and squash that beef,
‘Cause the users don’t care — they just want relief.

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*“Who owns the roadmap?”*
*“Who wrote this sh*t?”*
*“Who clicked deploy—”*